


A Bear and a Piece of Driftwood Walk Into a Bar

by sterne



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (sort of), Alternate Universe - Historical, Bear and Driftwood AU, Crack, Crack Treated a Tiny Bit Seriously, Faulty Understanding of Biology and Reproduction, M/M, Mpreg Discussed But it Doesn't Actually Happen, Pacific Northwest, Snoke is a Fairy, moss - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 00:19:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10910430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sterne/pseuds/sterne
Summary: "me when i first started shipping kylux: eh idk i don’t really like AUs, they don’t make much sense as a ship if they’re removed from the Star Wars universeme now: what if kylo is a bEAR and Hux is A PIECE OF DRIFTWOod and they’ve been CURSED BY A FAIRY TO LIVE AS HUMANs IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST in tHE YEAr 1803 AND"- used with kind permission oftheearlgreyalpha





	A Bear and a Piece of Driftwood Walk Into a Bar

_I hate this godsdamned place_ , the tall grey fairy thought to himself, kicking at the ground.  _Fucking moss! ‘You need some spell practice,’ they said. ‘Visit a new land’, they said. ‘Learn from the spirits and elders there’, they said,_ so here Snoke found himself, far away from his home in Ireland, standing by a stream in a stupid mossy forest full of stupid mossy trees where it rained _all the fucking time._  
  


This whole thing was not turning out to be his idea of a good time at all. There were supposed to be sex-crazed mortals and boozy parties and other sorts of un-fairylike wildness to go along with his magical studies. But just like with most fairy offers (and really he should have known better), the reality was a lot less satisfying than promised.

  
He thought with irritation of what he was supposed to be working on today - an enlivening transformation spell - and called what he could remember of its elements to mind, gathered his power, then cast it. And...nothing happened. He looked around at the trees, rocks, and plants surrounding him. None were twitching with life or jumping up, ready to do his bidding.

  
Well, shit. He rolled his eyes and stomped off, never noticing the bear sleeping under a nearby bush, or the piece of driftwood that had fetched up on the bank of the stream.  
  


\---

  
The pleasant dream of chasing and hunting faded as Kylo stirred from his nap. He stretched and... _what! Where is my thick pelt? Where is my fur??_   These thin, pasty limbs couldn’t possibly be his, could they? He stood up on his hind legs - well, his only legs, to look around. Something was wrong with his nose, too - he could smell almost nothing of the scents he knew must be present. A rustling noise sounded to the left and he turned his head sharply in that direction. There a man, as pale and thin (thinner, even) as himself, stood, swaying on his feet.

  
 ---

 __  
Soft. Pliable. Barkless. WHAT THE HELL. These were the thoughts (and having discrete thoughts at all was very disorienting) of Hux as he stood up. He was so dry and thirsty! He put his roots, no, _foot_ , in the stream. But no refreshing water entered his body by that route, and he lost his balance a little in consternation.  
  


“Hey!”  
  


Hux turned toward this rude interruption. His best guess was that the creature hailing him was some sort of hairless Sasquatch (he knew Sasquatches of old), but it seemed harmless enough.  
  


“Yes?” he replied with a sniff.  
  


“What did you do to me?” the Sasquatch asked, in a belligerent tone.  
  


“Nothing! I could ask you the same question!” Hux said, standing his ground.  
  


“Me! I didn't do anything! Are you saying that...something strange has just happened to you, too?” - this in a softer, friendlier voice.  
  


“Well, yes,” Hux answered.    
  


“We both…” here the Sasquatch trailed off, uncertain how to express what had occurred. Then, “Oh. Well. Anyway. Uh, hi, I’m Kylo.”  
  


“I can’t tell you how pleased I am to make your acquaintance, Kylo. I am Hux.”  
  


The completion of this simple exchange seemed to draw a line under the preceding few minutes; mossy blue-green eyes met mossy brown ones and an intent, knowing look came into both, drawn from the most atavistic parts of each man.

   
Hux gave voice to it: “We must reproduce!”

   
Kylo stepped over a log and across the few feet that separated them, reaching out to take hold of Hux’s arms. “Go on,” he urged, and Hux looked down with interest at the surprising protrusion that had sprung forth from Kylo’s front.    
  


“Go on? Where?” he asked.  
  


“Don’t you know how to mate? Turn around and get down!” said Kylo, in exasperation.

  
This didn’t sound quite right to Hux, but he decided to go along with Kylo’s odd directions out of curiosity, and so he arranged himself comfortably on his hands and knees on the mossy ground.

  
Right away, he felt Kylo’s large hands fasten around his sides and slide down to his lower back, and something large and firm, but soft, prodding at his upper thighs and sometimes sliding up the cleft to touch the bottom of his spine. He heard an unsatisfied grunt from Kylo, and then the prodding narrowed in on a little declivity, pushing against it more and more ardently. Now came a hiss of irritation, and then the sensation of a finger pressing at the aperture, and in. This was not a good feeling, so he pulled away.

   
“Are you sure you’re doing this right?”

   
Kylo was silent for a moment. “It’s just, you are so...dry there. I don’t know how I can get myself into you, and give you a cub. This has not happened before - it’s usually very slippery and nice!”  
  


“Well, I _am_ very thirsty - I feel quite dried out. That’s probably it.” Hux stood and walked over to the stream, and the brilliant idea of reaching down and cupping his hand to hold some water and then bringing it up to his mouth came fully-formed into his mind. Kylo waited patiently while Hux drank all the water he wanted.

  
They resumed their positions, and Kylo again pressed himself at Hux’s hole.  

   
“You are _still_ dry, Hux!”  
  


“Then put some water directly on me and in me back there - you have some in your mouth, do you not?  No need to go back to the stream,” Hux declared, pleased with the efficiency of this idea.

   
Ah! That - that was Kylo’s finger, going in, gliding smoothly. It was a bit painful, still, but also...pleasurable. The finger slid in, out, twirled around a bit.  
  


“You are too small for my…” Kylo paused, then said “here” almost under his breath; at this, a second finger entered and the slight burn was very pleasurable indeed to Hux - he could not help but let out a light, breathy moan. The two fingers worked for a time and were joined by a third. Finally, they withdrew and Hux heard Kylo spitting more water. None of it went on him, but he dropped the question of where it had gone as something smoother, larger, softer, and more solid than the fingers finally pressed its slow and measured way into his hole.  
  


_This long, pushing slide - it really is quite exciting_ , Hux mused to himself, and just then, Kylo pulled out.  _Even better!_    
  


Hands now freed from guiding himself in, Kylo was finally able to do as his instincts urged: to grab Hux’s hips and yank him close, and pin him in place as he shoved in as forcefully as he could, only to withdraw so that he could do it again, and again, and again.  And finally, with a joyous huff, he let loose a cub into Hux.  
  


Kylo, panting, flopped forward to lie along Hux’s back. Hux was panting as well, albeit less heavily. A worry creased his brow.  
  


“Did you...put all of...it...in me?” he asked.

   
Surprised by this line of questioning, Kylo replied that he had.  
  


“All of it, inside me? That will not produce young!” Hux fretted.    
  


“But that is how I always have done it...and I know it works. A cub will soon grow in your belly”, said Kylo, stung at this unwarranted attack on his virility.  
 

“If you say so,” Hux grumbled. “Listen. Let’s do it my way, too. We will certainly get offspring if we do both.”

  
This seemed logical to Kylo, even though he had every confidence that his method was the surest guarantor of reproductive success. It would not hurt to humor Hux. “So, what should I do?”  
  


Hux had to consider for a moment how to map onto the new body in which he found himself his vaguely remembered experiences of engendering new beings.  

  
“It’s actually much the same, at least at the start”, he told Kylo. Hux’s own protrusion had become stiff while Kylo was working in him, but had since deflated a bit. Now it perked up again as he thought of getting into Kylo.

  
They reversed their positions, Hux now behind Kylo, who was on all fours. Kylo had the same problem with dryness, and the same solution worked just as well for him as it had for Hux. Soon enough, Hux was pushing in, in, in. He was shocked by how overwhelmingly delicious it it felt, being firmly, hotly squeezed and encompassed so tightly. And the drag, and the friction, the motion forward and backward, forward and backward. He couldn’t help but speed up and press harder. He retained enough presence of mind, however, to monitor his inner workings. The sap was rising.    
  


One more slide in and he jerked out quickly, taking hold of himself for better aim. He sprang to his feet in order to give himself maximum mobility. Then with a joyous huff, he twirled and swung himself about, in order to cast his seed as widely as possible.  

  
Now spent, satisfied, and still breathing quite heavily, he sat down on the springy moss next to Kylo, who slowly shifted himself to sit upright. Kylo looked over his shoulder at his own back, and then all around them on the ground, where Hux’s seed gleamed, pearlescent.  
  


Hesitantly, Kylo asked, “Is that it?”  
  


“Well, yes, that’s the...gist of it. It’s not exactly the same, in this body. But I see no reason why it will not produce many fine young saplings in time.”  
  


Kylo thought this was a dubious conclusion, but held his peace. He felt comfortable around Hux and wanted to stay with him (and maybe Hux would not make him leave when the cub came).  
  


Hux, too, felt comfortable around Kylo. He was large and reassuringly slow and methodical in his movements, which suited Hux - who was used either to being fixed in place or to gentle, slow floating - very well. He would be a good companion to tend saplings with.  
  


The two rinsed off in the stream and set off to search for food.

  
They never crossed paths with Snoke and so never knew why they had been wrenched from their lives as a bear and a piece of driftwood. They also, to their mutual surprise and sorrow, never managed to produce a cub, or a sapling, although it was not for lack of trying (at which they got much, much better).  
  


For decades, the native peoples of the Pacific Northwest talked of the strange pair of pale men who wandered the forests and coasts, keeping only to themselves, living in close harmony with all manner of creatures, even among bears.  
  


When the settlers came, many years later, they dismissed these as fanciful tales.

  
But we know better, you and I.


End file.
